Learning that I was going to become a father has been one of the best and most rewarding moments in my life. I'm writing this a few days before the birth, because I realised that there have been some things that have happened over this journey that is pregnancy that people might find helpful.
I'm writing this for both the guys that have just learnt they are about to become dads, for those in the middle of pregnancy, and lastly for anyone that knows someone that is in the previous two categories that might find these tips helpful.
Before we dive into my tips, Congratulations! It's an incredible thing that is happening, and allow me to share something that you'll hear a lot - your world is going to change, but it's going to be amazing.
Do what works for you, your wife and your new family.
One of the most important bits of advice that I received is "ignore all the advice". This may seem like a counterintuitive place for me to start considering what I'm writing about, but I'll explain. You need to do what is best and works for you both (and bub). Everyone will have their theories, thoughts, and opinions on things - and now is the time to start to decide things for yourself. By all means listen to people (and your doctor(s)!) but also think for yourselves. If you come from a cultural or family situation which comes with added rules and requirements - consider if this will work for you. Try not to add extra stress into your life.
Decide early if you want to know Gender or not.
A little known fact about my wife is that she has zero-chill when it comes to surprises - so the moment the doctor told us we could do a blood test to genetically determine the gender we ended up going immediately to have that done. This is a personal preference, and you'll be surprised that some couples preference is to keep it a surprise (and vice-versa). If you both know, share and celebrate it - that'll really help people when choosing gifts.
Embrace fear and realise it's place.
It seems that from the moment you joyfully learn you will be pregnant you'll also gain an equal sense of fear about what if the worst or something happens. Those first 3 months can be some of the most nail-biting, and stressful, parts of the pregnancy. You want to shout from the rooftops about the good news, but you need to keep it hush-hush until you know it's safe to share. Now, assuming all goes fine (and I'm hoping it does) you'll learn that this fear will remain with you for the rest of your life - it only changes and evolves into different forms. Learn to identify it, feel it, and do your best to get a handle on it. There is a chance of course that things don't work out, and I'm going to cover that in a seperate more somber post called 'miscommunication about miscarriage'.
Prepare for gifts, and leave your clothes shopping until near the end!
Now this depends on your situation, but we were very blessed to have received loads of presents and gifts from friends and family. Over the pregnancy period we were often taken by surprise when catching up with someone also came along with a new set of awesome clothes for the baby. This is amazing because our friends have similar and awesome taste, and we've amassed a fine collection of stuff well before we'd even held the baby shower. I made a call early on that we should refrain from buying cute and adorable outfits in the first-second trimester because I suspected that we might amass a horde of stuff as gifts.
The fun part then comes later when you are gathering all your needed items, and then you can buy what you like.
A good example of this is this cute Dog onesie that I spotted in Seed in the last week
Become the calm zen-master and weather everything with strength.
One thing that I've tried extremely hard to do the entire pregnancy is to be as calm, cool, and non-reactive as possible. It's very easy for moments to errupt, comments to be made that normally you'd snap back at - and the rule is, don't bite. No matter how hard it is, or how difficult it is, you aren't the one doing the difficult thing here. Your role is support. I wish I could says I managed to do this 100% of the time, but unfortunately I'm human and I've had moments where I acted selfishly. One thing I can attest to is that any time I've reacted I've instantly regretted and chastised myself for it. Try to embrace your inner Buddha, read some tweets from Dalai Lama, the overall point is to be calm.
Take on the heavy lifting
One of the main things you can do as a father-to-be is act as the support person. This means taking over the household chores / items like cleaning, cooking, washing. Doing this wasn't a huge matter for me, but I did find that I was becoming more exhausted over time. Keep an eye on the amount you are sleeping - it'll be important to be rested, and from what everyone is telling me - savour it.
Don't panic, but be attentive and alert.
One thing about pregnancy I've found is that it enhances your emotions and your reactions to things.
If something happens, take a breath, think, and then consider whats the best course of action.
There have been a handful of times when I've had to ignore my gut instinct to do something, and also times when I've had to drop everything and make sure my wife is ok.
Watch how your wife is going. Pregnancy is one of the most challenging times in a woman's life, and it's physically and mentally demanding. Try your best to support and look after her.
which leads me too....
Incorporate Back and foot rubs into your routine.
If you haven't ever given a foot rub or a back rub to your wife - now is a good time to practise as the further you get into the pregnancy the more important they'll become. The feet and back are two of the most commonly painful areas for pregnant women. My tip is to do this before bed, chuck on some headphones, fire up some Netflix and make sure you don't watch anything that'll cause you to flinch/jump (and remember the main point is to massage).
Take time to look after yourself
Here is a huge piece of advice that I'm going to share with you. Look after yourself, be kind to yourself, and make sure you are ok. As the support person, you are useless if you are too stressed / too worried / too tired to do anything. I'm notorious for not looking after myself emotionally / mentally - so over the pregnancy I spent extra time making sure that I considered how I was actually feeling. If you are too tired, skip the morning run and sleep in. There are going to be times when all of sudden you get overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings - let it happen, and get a handle on it. Process it, and realise why you are having these - it's because your world is about to change into something unknown.
This introspection leads to my next point...
Consider what hobbies, habits, and things you spend time on are important to you - because soon it'll just be to sleep.
You are about to assume a new role in the world, that of a father. This new definition means that some old things are going to have make way for the new excitement ahead. Entire weekends of binge-watching TV, endless reading books, weekends away are going to become something else. Take stock and think about where you spend your time as soon you'll be prioritising sleep ahead of everything. I am chuckling as I write this because there have been times over the last year where I have expressed how exhausted I am - and people who are parents smile and just say "oh just you wait".
Someone joked that you suddenly become the third in-line of decision making when becoming a father.
These are just a handful of items that I've been thinking about over the lead up to the big event. It is in no means exhaustive, nor mandatory - just insights I had.
What did I miss? What would you add to this list?
Comment / tweet at me what you would add to this. Id also just be happy if you.let me know what you thought of this post or shared it with someone you know.