The first 6 months of being a new father (and parent) is a big change in so many ways. I have been wanting to share my thoughts and experiences as a new dad for a long time. I started writing this post in my first month, and have been slowly adding bits and pieces over the last 6 months. This isn't going to be a comprehensive blow-by-blow breakdown of the entire six months - but rather the ideas and thoughts that have come to mind.
Preamble warning - "I am an expert on MY baby"
One thing I'll stress before I start is that this is my experience with my baby. Every baby is different, every situation, every parent is different. What has worked for us, may not work for you - and vice versa. I'm going to say that we've been very lucky and blessed that we've got a very chilled, happy and awesome baby. This preamble warning comes from Travis McElroy's fantastic talk on becoming a new dad on Episode 79 of Dad Feelings Podcast. I'll put links to that later further down.
Start at the beginning - we’ll have the Caesar, hold the labour.
The most obvious place to start would be the birth. We had a planned caesarean procedure due to size our 'little' man and due to the fact my wife developed gestational diabetes. We had known our bub was very big since the morphology ultrasound where he clocked in at 97th percentile for size. The radiologist explained it like this; if he saw 100 babies, ours would be the third biggest one out of that group. It was only around the 28 week mark that we learnt that Sue had developed gestational diabetes, which means that babies can be typically bigger. We were both totally fine with the idea of having a caesarean (C-section).
C-Section vs. Natural Birth
I want to take a moment to share that both 'methods of birth' in my opinion are totally valid and come with their own pros and cons. Don't let anyone tell you different or make you feel bad for how your baby is born. The goal is to have a healthy baby. The reason I bring this up is that it's an unfortunate experience we’ve had (and sadly still continue to face) that people like to pass judgment about c-sections vs. natural birth. In our case, we knew that there was a near certainty that Sue would need to have emergency caesar and face a lot of trauma if she opted to try a natural birth. If you don’t know what a third or fourth degree tear is during birth, then maybe brace yourself and click HERE to learn about it.
Scheduled Baby
One surreal aspect of having a planned c-section is actually knowing the exact date of the birth. It's a little bit strange, knowing that you have a few more hours to go before becoming a parent. We opted and went the private route. Once again, there is nothing wrong with going public or private - but since we 'invest' in private health insurance we figured we'd use it.
After one hour - our baby was born
We arrived bright and early at the hospital at 5:45am. Got admitted, taken up to the room (thankfully a nice big private room) and from there it was a streamlined process. At 6:30am we were brought down to the theatre complex, the staff were super efficient, professional, and caring.
Ah, I see you have the machine that goes 'ping!'
Looking around the operating theatre there were a lot of machines around. For a brief moment, I considered asking if they had the machine that goes PING! - but thought I should probably focus rather than quote Monty Python. I did however note that they had a Da Vinci Xi surgeon console in the operating theatre with us. I recognised it nearly immediately as I have to do a bit of work with the da Vinci robotic surgery system.
The sound of first cry.
At 7:26am the sound of our baby's first cry hit our ears. I can't adequately describe what that feeling is like. A supernova of joy, happiness, love all crammed into an instant. It's completely amazing and overwhelming at the same time. At one point I told someone that it's like "having your entire world broken apart and reformed in an instant" It's really incredible.
There is one thing I wish I had done, and this is something I'd recommend, is to somehow capture that first cry. Use the sound recorder on your (or a spare) phone or video it. Our OB told us that one very tech savvy dad strapped a GoPro of his head to relive the experience in first person. You don't need to go to that extreme, but I thought it was a pretty innovative idea.
By 7:30am we got our first hold of Zachary Hajun Lewis - and our lives will never be the same again in the best possible way. It is unreal how you feel so full of love for someone you've literally only just met and the way that each moment you keep feeling more and more love, and somehow it doesn't stop.
His tiny little hands, grasping your finger, is beautiful. This photo is currently the lock screen on my phone (and I'm hard pressed to think of something that would ever replace it).
First few days - so many feels and emoji's*
The thing that really sticks with me about the first few days of becoming a parent is the incredibly powerful feelings and emotions. Just what I said before about being filled with love - it really is that sensation of having a part of your soul filled with happiness and love that you never knew existed before that point. I constantly said (and thought) "I didn't know I could be this happy". You spend hours staring at them, admiring every tiny aspect. You hang out for the moments when they open their eyes - and just let your mind race about what they'll grow up to be like, what their personality will be like.
(*usage of the term 'emoji' isn't a mistake - it's actually a deep cut from 'My Brother, My Brother, and Me' podcast).
The power of your voice
One really early moment I had was when Zach was crying and I picked him up and said "it's ok, don't worry, I'm here" and he suddenly was soothed and nuzzled into me. That feeling of him recognising me and knowing that 'everything would be ok' because I said it would be (even though I know he can't understand my words), was powerful.
It's OK to not know what to do.
Another feature of being a new parent is suddenly realising you have no clue what you are doing. You act on instinct, you try things, and sure enough - you'll get the hang of it. It's easy for people to psyche themselves out about "not knowing what to do". Trust me, it comes to you - and if you don't know, don't panic - give it a go, or ask someone.
Crying.
One really important thing that I realised early on is that to crying for a baby is completely different than for an adult. The first time your baby cries it can be very stressful, particularly if they are crying so hard they turn purple/blue. The problem is, as an adult, you associate wailing crying with being incredibly upset, distraught, or in agony. Babies on the other hand only know how to make one sound, and trust me, they use it often.
I actually remember frequently saying "he only knows this one song, he should learn another". After you accept and understand that their crying isn't necessarily because they are in pain - your panic and anxiety levels will start to drop, and you will begin to learn and pick up what they are wanting. I can say that it only takes a month or so to learn the differences between a 'real cry' and a 'fake cry' when they are just wanting some attention. A fake cry sounds kinda half-hearted and lame. One of the things I did to amuse myself, and end the crying, was to mimic the sound right back at Zach in a joking and playful manner. This actually worked well because it helped me remain calm, and he would stop crying, and try to figure out what I was doing.
Changing my first nappy
Of all the things about parenting I was nervous about - changing nappies was my number one item. Not because it's something I couldn't do, or thought was too hard to do, but because it was a skill I hadn't mastered - and I really wanted to be good at. It did't help that Sue was a seasoned professional having been a childcare worker for 8+ years. In the beginning I had only ever done two nappies on a totally still doll in the antenatal class.
The story of me changing my first nappy is actually pretty funny. Without warning, six of Sue's childcare centre staff surprised us in the hospital with a visit. We absolutely loved this, but about 20 minutes into the visit Zach decided to do a big poo. All of her coworkers laughed, and then said "go on Daddy, get to it". Talk about pressure! - I told them that I refuse to do my very first nappy with an audience of skilled childcare workers surrounding me. They quite gratiousoucly nodded, and all waited outside our rooms as I fumbled my way through. It wasn't as bad as I built it up in my mind, and suffice it to say, you master this skill quickly. The reason I wanted to excel at this is that I've personally always wanted to take on the lion share of nappy changings. It was it's basically one of the few things I decided during the pregnancy was something I could really do to be a good dad.
Tips I've learnt about nappy-changing
- Always prepare before you start - get the new nappy out, have as many wipes as you need on hand, and a disposal bag.
- Keep one wipe spare. It's always better to have one extra spare wipe and not need it, than need just one more and not have it ready.
- The Tommee Tippee Sangenic Nappy Disposable System is simple, but great at dealing with disposable nappys at home (Link).
Suffice it to say, over the months, I've gone from being nervous and unsure about nappy changing to being a pro. When you are sleep deprived, at 2am, barely conscious, and able to do it in the dark... you can't remember a time when you were worried about doing it.
First Bath
In the hospital we learnt how to bath a baby. It's actually really nice, and babies LOVE it. I repeatedly said to people that I don't think there is an experience or drug for adults that compares to the utter bliss that newborns have when they are in the bath.
What's it like with a newborn?
At first you just spend forever staring at them. It's amazing, this little person is the best thing and they are literally experiencing the world for the first time. You hang out for moments when they open their eyes. You start to appreciate the times they look at you, and chuckle when they don't quite know how to focus and unintentionally go cross-eyed.
Travis McElroy made a fantastic point about the fact that babies don't start off being super complex. You don't need to stress about too much as basically they only do a few things; eat, cry, poop and sleep. It's all variants of that, and slowly it changes as they develop and learn more. This is the second time I've mentioned Travis's comments - so I should explain. I have been a fan of the McElroy brothers for a while. They've all become fathers, and I honestly really just wanted one (or all) of them to share their thoughts and feelings on becoming a new dad. Like summoning fate, Travis (the middlest brother) did exactly that, speaking on the "Dad Feelings Podcast" in Episode 79.
I remember listening to Travis speak in the first few days about becoming a new father, and honestly, it was an invaluable experience for me. He helped me form some foundational aspects of my approach to being a dad - and much of what he said resonates
You can listen to the episode here;
- Episode link = http://dadfeelings.com/episode/79
- iTunes podcast link = https://itunes.apple.com/au/podcast/dadfeelings/id1125825701?mt=2&i=1000401701037
- Or directly by clicking play;
[Note: I do not own the source material for this podcast, but I wanted a really simple way to share / allow people to listen]
Your sleep and life patterns change
One of the constant things people say whilst you are expecting is "enjoy your sleep now" or "sleep as much as you can". Yes, I'm not going to lie, sleep is going to become a major factor in your life - but I remember saying and thinking that it wasn't as bad as I feared. There is something hard to explain about it being your baby crying - you don't mind, you don't care, you might have only been asleep for 5 minutes before having to get up - it's all good. Perhaps it just takes a few weeks for your sleep battery to deplete fully, but I find that I really never got frustrated with lack of sleep (until maybe say 3-4 months in).
Time and sleep become fluid concepts.
I likened the idea of having a newborn to feeling like you are both jetlagged and hungover. You are awake, but tired, and not really operating at 100%. You aren't quite sure what day it is - but it's ok, you are a new parent - embrace trackpants, tattered t-shirts and comfy clothes.
First week - Bringing the baby home
Bringing the baby home for the first time was probably one of the most anxious moments of being a new parent. Leaving the hospital, putting the baby in the car (capsule) and driving home is nerve racking. I drove home slowly, nervous about every turn and speed bump.
The time suck / staring at him constantly
I said this before, but you do lose time staring at them. I know that hours went by with me just holding him and being so utterly happy and content. Time flies.
Photos - sharing / taking too many.
One the thing my wife and I decided early on is that we didn't want to go overboard sharing photos of our baby online. Yes, it's a major and exciting part of our lives, but we really only want to share the good stuff. We also decided that we wouldn't be sharing photos of him publicly (hence the lack of photos in this post). One good thing I did prior to the birth is pay for additional space on Google Drive/Photos, and change my Google Photos backup setting to 'Original/Full Quality' - so I can be assured that all my baby photos are safe.
Dad Jokes.
Another fun part of becoming a dad is unlocking and gleefully sharing dad jokes. I have started sharing the jokes I write up at work online, and people seem to enjoy them. You can actually find all my Dad Jokes HERE (@Benjamin_Lewis #DadJoke).
Panic when you think something is wrong
In the first week of being home, I remember a distinct fear that the baby wasn't breathing because he was so quiet whilst asleep. This fear is something that you need to get a handle on, because it can fast become a slippery slope. I still to this day will worry and fear 'what if', but I don't dwell on it or let it upset me.
The first few months.
You are in awe as they develop and start doing new things.
That first smile is amazing - for us it came between 1-2 months. At first it was a tiny little flash, usually with me pulling a funny face along with a sound.
Then it grew into something he just did - and we are very lucky that he seemingly loves to smile. That first smile, then becomes that first laugh, that first coo, that first time they eat solids. It's amazing to get to experience someone's very first interactions with the world - be it seeing a dog or tasting a lemon.
Star Wars baby stuff.
I'm a massive Star Wars fan and naturally I'm going to gather a bunch of Star-Wars themed stuff. I may have amassed a number of star wars items. I'm very proud of my baby on board sign;
Watching TV / Movies
I knew heading into parenthood that our days of dining out / going out to the movies was going to end for a while - and that home entertainment was going to be key. Thank god we live in the age of Netflix and digital streamed media. As a new parent you'll find that you fill some of spare time awake watching TV shows and movies in short 20-30 minute bursts. In the first month, my wife and I had managed to completely watch the entire Lord of the Rings extended edition movies in very short bursts over many weeks.
Technology to the rescue
One neat thing my wife found was this soothing "Shushing" sound on Spotify (click here).
Honestly, this thing has been a godsend. We've used this to help settle our bub every night. To accomplish this, we bought a wireless bluetooth speak (this one from office works), and I set up an old iPhone to be the "baby sound" device.
Daddy's mini mental breakdown.
Remember how I said that having a baby comes with all these feelings and emoji's? well, there is something that I'd heard is common - that is for dad's to experience profound stress and anxiety within the first few months. I know that for me, this was about day 40 when I wrote a huge brain dump post onto facebook. Looking back on it - I can see where I was internally struggling with the shift in my identity, responsiblities, and pressures I was placing on myself. The amazing thing was, that there was a huge public and private outpouring of love and support from people in my life. Some I haven't spoken to in years, and others that I didn't expect who really provided me with their own experience. This really helped.
Sleep becomes a major aspect of life.
There is a reason one of the first things people ask new parents is "how's the sleep" or "are they sleeping"? Sleep becomes a commodity more valued than anything for new parents. The primary goal of almost everyday is getting the baby to sleep / stay asleep for long enough chunks. Why? because when the baby is asleep that is the time you can achieve things (eating, showering, cleaning, SLEEPING!). Sleep also becomes a form of currency between parents. When they are exhausted, you take on baby duties and let them rest - and vice-versa.
Saturday morning walks.
One thing I absolutely adore is taking Zach out on a weekend morning for a walking in the pram. This achieves a few things; it gives my wife a break and possibly a sleep in (if such a thing even exists), it's a form of much needed exercise, and it's fun.
What it's like now, 6 months in.
Now at six months it is starting to feel like we are finding our groove. We are quicker at picking things up, noticing patterns, figuring out what does and doesn't work. We are immensely thankful that he's happy, smiles, and laughs.
Happy Song.
One last tip before I finish. Find and love "The Happy Song" by Imogen Heap;
This song is somehow hardcoded in infants brains to reduce crying/screaming and mostly brings them joy. It's catchy, and can be a lifesaver if suddenly screaming whilst driving is occurring. It also has some really nice lyrics, like;
"I love-love-love
You every day more
Whatever's in store"
I hope you've enjoyed my post - please do let me know what you think. Write a comment, share, tweet - whatever your preference is.
I might share the odd parenting insight on my Twitter feed - @Benjamin_Lewis